Coming back to New York

Ever since I came back from spending 5 weeks of my summer in Israel I have been experiencing something I’ve never experienced before. I’ve missed Israel before, I’ve had the desire to live there and then feel guilty when I return to my cozy life in North America. But this trip, this time something is different.

Since returning I have noticed how on edge I am. How the beginning roars of a car on the busy New York street sounds like the beginnings of a siren. I immediately pause my mind waiting to hear how the sound will continue, readying my body to run. The loud noise of multiple helicopters over my building and I wonder why they sound different. How are they different? “They should be the sound of fighter jets,” I think immediately. 

It takes a moment to remember that I am no longer in Israel, but I am back in the States. I am back in New York City. And that realization has brought on a new emotion I’ve never truly felt. I no longer feel safe. At least when I am in Israel, if anyone was attacking me because of where I lived or because I’m Jewish, I would be protected by the government, by the IDF, the most elite and sophisticated intelligence in the world (I believe). An army, frankly, that gives a shit about my life. A country that would gather around the mothers and fathers of teenagers who are captured and vow to bring justice. When I was in Israel people from North America would lovingly write with concern, “is it as bad as they say? Is it scary?” Maybe I’m naive but I have every faith in the IDF and in the miracle that is the Iron Dome. In Israel you do what you have to do in that moment, then you emerge and somehow try to go on with your day. You read the tweets and Secret Tel Aviv jokes to bring a moment of laughter in all this. You can look to any person on the street and know we are all the same and all understand one another. 

But here, back in New York, in a city I have loved, even though my mind relaxes and body muscles breath eventually, I remember that there is no one directing rockets at me here, I feel more afraid than ever.