The Man Mess

            I've had  a request to write about boys...guys...supposed "men." While it's a genius subject I feel ill equipped. Sometimes I think I've had enough experience for a lifetime after having been in an on again, off again relationship for 5 years. But then I look back and realize that that ended when I was 19...and I'm 24 now! And yes, my dating life has been that sparse and boring since then. Why? I have no idea. I've had crushes on different guys, been set up on dates that never even made it to date #2, but not one relationship to speak of. Recently, with a drop in my BMI I've definitely noticed more attention, or maybe it's just that my self confidence was so low I couldn't see it before.

           This subject is pretty personal to be posting about, which is probably also why it's never occurred to me to write publicly about. In fiction writing I can blur the lines between what I put on my character and what is actual fantasy. But here, on a blog, I'm supposed to be open and honest, so I will try. So I will share that there is a guy, who I've known for years but never, and I mean never thought he's ever given me a second look. He had Facebooked me a couple years ago saying some inappropriate, sexual, flirtatious, things and I thought, "this is a prank on the fat girl." I didn't often think of myself as "the fat girl" but in that moment I did. Just 7 months ago he made another comment and it was no prank. So after losing so much weight it didn't completely surprise me when he made a move. When I asked him about it he said, "what do you mean you lost weight?" I laughed, "are you kidding? I've lost almost 70lbs." "Since when?" he scoffed. He had no clue! It never made a difference to him. Some guys are so superficial that they only see you for your body, apparently so much so that it really doesn't necessarily matter what size you are. Which is sweet in a way. Yet, at the same time, I was annoyed. I look so much hotter now and a man doesn't appreciate it?! I always thought once I lose the weight, I'll find a great guy, we'll fall in love, we'll get married, and eventually lose the body I've worked so hard for (kidding!) But the rest is true.

         I've come to another realization. Some guys will never even know what I used to look like. Until they Facebook stalk me. But so why now, that I'm...dare I say... thin, I don't think I'm hard on the eyes, I happen to be fairly large breasted (although they are now a reasonable size, yay!), legs that go on forever, remotely amusing (I think), by no means am I brilliant, but not a complete airhead. So what the hell? I guess I shouldn't have thought that guys would be lining up at my door step, but I thought at least one or two. For me, I've recently been talking to different women and gathered three different types of experiences with guys and I'll share them with you:

A. The hook up. The kind where the guy is hot but you have no interest in speaking to him or attempting to carry out a conversation. This can generally be blamed on pity, hormones, or alcohol.  

B. The dating guy. Not amazing but by no means terrible. Most girls I think continue to give this guy a shot, cause why not? Maybe it will spark something. Maybe you'll eventually have feelings for him. 

And then there's C. C is the worst of all. This is a guy who causes you to think irrational, stupid things and all he did was say hello. You want to go out on a date, but he hasn't asked you out. He got your number, but ever since you always text him. Maybe he's a bad boy, maybe he's indifferent to you, maybe he's sending mixed signals. Regardless, you've now become a fool. Puddy in his hands, which is the worst place of all. 

              I shamefully don't have a conclusion for this post but if you have any shared experiences to the ones I've posted about please post a comment or feel free as always to message me on Facebook. And if you know you were thought of let me know if you think there's anything I should add!

Controlling Cravings

     No matter how good you get at will power and working out sometimes mother nature takes over and you just HAVE to have that chocolate bar! Being a woman, yes, sometimes we have the excuse/reality that we just can't control what we want. For some reason this wasn't as strong for me personally last month but just the end of last week it was full blown. I had decided to not have any carbs for the week simply to detox from all the Jewish holidays and I wanted to see a good number drop on the scale. By Friday I was dying for some carbs and I got a bag of Jalapeno chips (my favorite!) and a Toblerone bar. Then Saturday night I knew I wanted to have some amazing ice cream (so many taste really bland and processed to me) so I went for a Haagen Dazs (I got a pint cause I figured it's very little and wouldn't last long vs a tube of something else) and then suddenly I wanted salt covered crackers. A fellow customer pointed out that, "someone is craving a salt and sweet mix," and rather than being insulted, since she was smiling and not being snarky, I laughed and realized I really was and I couldn't explain it. Until I could lol, the girls know what I'm talking about.
     Here is the difference nowadays, and it's something really difficult to do, I had a couple pieces of the Toblerone but then knew I wanted to have more for later so i savored those bites and was able to put it down. With the ice cream, eating with a small spoon, I had a couple bites (the smarter thing to do would have been to take a small bowl and measure out 1/2 cup, the serving size, but I was having less than that. Okay, that's me rationalizing, I know.) I enjoyed them then put it away because I knew I'd want more later, whether that was in a couple hours watching a show or tomorrow...watching a different show (I know, another awful habit, stop yelling!) Here was the problem, I live with my mother who has also lost a significant amount of weight but is still struggling to lose those last 10 pounds and we try to encourage and help each other whenever we can. Yet, she went into the freezer and took a bowl of my ice cream, not a crazy amount by any means, but she yelled at me for bringing it in the house and I told her, it's mine, I paid for it, don't eat it. Besides the monetary issue or being roommates and keeping your own food for your own mouth (a system my siblings and I perfected this summer) my mother couldn't control herself the minute chips, chocolate, ice cream, or salty crackers were in the house. She was eating all my little snacks that I was specifically craving! And I can control myself pretty well these days so I bought those things to last me the week.
     Everyone has their weaknesses but I'm having a hard time balancing another person's along with my own. I can't force her not to eat my food. So any advice on that part would be great!!!
     But my advice and tips for controlling cravings are ideas that I got from Bethenny Frankel's Naturally Thin books and philosophy. "Taste everything, eat nothing" which I thought at first was crazy but the truth is if you give yourself a few delicious bites of your favorite foods, whether it be pizza or ice cream or even a salad. This also goes into another rule of hers which I cannot recall the exact title at the moment and don't have the book near me, but basically it says that once a food has gone passed the point of deliciousness stop eating it. Enjoy those bites and once it doesn't taste as good anymore, just stop. Which leads into another rule; you can stop and save it for later. I often will pack up half my meal right on the stop and I know that that's for my next meal or tomorrow's dinner. Who says I have to finish my entire plate this minute (and quickly for that matter)?? I will take my time, let me brain catch up to my stomach, and either throw out what's not worth keeping or save it for a different time. I can have two spoons of ice cream and not scarf down the whole thing this minute because it will not disappear. They are not easy habits to acquire, and I constantly fight with them, but when I can I try to be very mindful of this way of eating because food shouldn't control my world, my mind, or my body. I want to be in control and be free at the same time.